It has been two months since the government lock down. I really had a routine set in place. Every year, I prepare myself to battle the toughest times of the year, winter. I know that in the winter time. I tend to fall into a deep depression which result in my binge eating depression cycle. So I have set many healthy self care routines in place to help cope with it. And proudly I can say that I did not fall into a deep winter seasonal affection depression this year. Then March rolled around. I left for the spring break trip to Florida with one of my best friend. I came back to a different world. We found out that we were in a lock down. No gym, no restaurants, no cafes. No work. The routine that I have carefully crafted has been interrupted. I tried to work out at home. But it's just not the same. I love going to the gym. Putting on my headphones, blasting music. And just pushing myself. I love going to school learning and working on my art projects. And I love going to my job after school as a massage therapist. I love working with my clients. I love making people feel better. I love having a non-profit to go to. Where I help people delve deeper into arts. I love coming home and working on my homework. Doing the dishes, then going to sleep. I love all of it. My schedule was full from 6 am to midnight. When quarantined happened. It sort of just changed everything. I wish I could say that I was productive, got a lot accomplished and got to do all the things that I wish I had time to do. Instead. I became lazy, started binge eating again. And fell into my deep depression.
It's gotten so bad to the point where I would avoid face timing my friends because I felt guilty about updating them what I have been up to. I lied to my therapist. Didn't want to let her known how bad I was really doing. So I told her I have been holding up just fine. I wake up and would head straight to the pantry to look for something to stuff into my mouth. I have put on 20lbs since the quarantine. But in my mind, I have gained 2000lbs of toxic thoughts. In my mind, I just feel like such a failure.
It's crazy what depression does to you. It changes your personality completely. I felt like I did a 360. I became someone I didn't recognize. I know I didn't really do anything wrong. But I just felt so guilty. I'm not sure what it is exactly that made me so depressed. But the combination of binge eating, being lazy and neglecting all self care routine that I have placed have really brought my down into a deep hole.
The artwork that I have created with the man with a beehive over his face represents what I am feeling. The feeling of being drown in your own toxic thoughts. The feeling of being trapped in my own head.
I know that I am capable of saving myself. I have done it before. But yet, I have allowed myself to sink down deeper and deeper. It's like I'm waiting for it to get really bad before I do something about it.
Then today I read a blog post on Instagram. It talked about how we are our own self critiques. And I can honestly relate.