Healing is not to let the anxiety define your reality.
Healing is having compassion for yourself.
Healing is breathing through the storm.
Healing is living.
I kept thinking that I've healed. That now I figured it all out. I developed healthy coping mechanisms. I surround myself with positive people. I am living my purpose and working in a career that I'm super passionate about. Then why does it still hurt? No matter how bright and positive I try to be. It's still there. The pain likes to bleed at the most inconvenient time. One thing that I discovered about my journey since I have been diagnosed with manic bipolar depression is that the higher the higher, the lower the lows. Meaning when everything seems to going great in my life and things are working so well. I would get oh so very happy and excited. Then boom. When the day comes close to an end, I would crash.
My mind likes to play tricks on me and tells me that I am not good enough. That I am filled with flaws and mistakes. Then I am stuck with the guilt of being negative and ungrateful. Why? Why do I feel this way despite how amazing the day or week went? I talked about it with my therapist and she told me that's it's normal to feel that way. Because when you are manic and have so much charged energy for something. And once it comes to an end, you just sort of crash and you feel .... depleted.
Because when I crash, what happens is I can get triggered to go back to do the unhealthy habits that I use to do to cop. But because I am trying very hard not do that. I need to observe it and respond in the most healthy way that I could instead of impulsively reacting. I just have keep going, keep breathing through the crash and continue doing what I was supposed to do. I can't just stop and drop everything every time depression hits.
It helps having a to do list for the day. So that way I have things to work on, no matter how shitty I may feel. I do feel that I am getting better at handling this. I also got to remind myself that I am only human. That it's normal to have bad days. Sometimes, I let the condition define me. And think that I am feeling this way because I have BPD. This journey has been continuation of learning and evolving with what I have discovered. It's about being more self aware. Bottom line is, I refuse to give up. I refuse to let this define me and stops me from reaching my dreams and goals. BPD might jack up my brain once in a while, but I have God on my side.
Artwork by: Suree Sompamitwong