Even though I feel so blessed that I got to spend it with my loved ones. I can't help but feel guilty about all the holiday bars and cookies that I've indulged the past several days, especially today. I know some, would say it's no big deal. That's it's the holiday seasons, and I should feel bad about it. But you see, I use to have a history of binge eating. How I would describe this is like comparing it to a meth addict.
Except, what I was addicted to was food, sweets in particular. It's one of those things, that I try to stay away from it. Because I fought very hard to get off the vicious binge eating cycle. But once I've been presented with sweets in front of me, and allowed myself to take a bite? Let's just say that the effects it has on me is unimaginable.
Some people, will say it's normal. That's sweet does give you that sugar high, and it makes you want more. But for me, it's like leaving this aftertaste in my brain, that makes me crave for more and more. And it's literally all I could think about it. Like I literally can't focus. I keep thinking that I want another bite, another cookie, or what ever it is. If there's some in front of me, I want to finish it. And that's what I use to do.
My binge habits use to be that I would finish everything in one setting. A pan of brownies? Gone in 10 minutes. A box of bars? The box would be empty very soon. I would just eat until there's nothing left. And then again, people would say "have some self control". Well, you see, at that time. I had no self control. I didn’t love myself. So I was like, fuck it. I chose the instant satisfaction, knowing that I will later regret it. I was aware of my decisions. But because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t care.
And recently, especially the last couple of weeks, those cravings are back, and it’s been testing my limits. Especially days like today, when I was presented with so many goodies in front of me at the Christmas party. I did ended up eating more treats then I should. I remembered I had a cup full of pretzel cookes on my drive back home from the party. I ate several before I stopped myself. I knew full well that I should not finish the whole thing.
But then I also felt shitty for eating so much of it already, so I thought to myself, "maybe I should just finish the whole thing anyway." And that’s usually how it works. You feel bad for binging, so you binge some more. But how I coped with it was, I put myself in a position where I check myself. I literally had to stop and just breath and allow myself to feel shitty. Yes, I ate a lot of cookies. But so freaking what. I don’t need to punish my body by stuffing myself with more cookies just to feel better for a couple more moments. I just let myself feel shitty but moved on.
I’m learning how to manage my urges. Especially during this time of the year, where people are suffering from seasonal affective depression. Emotional eating and binge eating is something that has been tempting me on the daily. And since I have 4 years of history dealing with this. I knew that I needed a different strategies. This year, I have manage to keep the weight off, but I do fall into binging lately. And when I catch myself doing so. I just recognize the situation and I pause and analyze what I’ve done and I just stop. I drink water and I just keep living. I don't sulk about it and binge some more.
It’s all about the 3 seconds. That moment of realizing that I do have the power, and I should the higher road. It’s very impulsive to do that things that will give you the most pleasure at the moment, but I worked too damn hard to give this all away and fall back into binge eating.
So my advice to those who have been struggling with binge eating or emotional eating. Is allowing yourself to be okay that you binge, forgive yourself. But don’t binge some more just to make yourself feel better. Instead, use that to fuel you to bounce back into a healthy life style.
For instance, tomorrow, I will be back in my routine of waking up early to hit the gym, drinks plenty of water and eat 5 small healthy meals a day.
I’m never going to give up on myself. And you shouldn’t either.