Wow, I can't believe that it's already getting to the end of 2016. About a year ago around this time, my world was turned upside down. I found out something that made me question what I thought I knew, to what I had to accept to be as reality. It was like an earth quake after a storm. You think that you are just getting over the storm, then boom, the earth cracks open and swallows you into a hole.
It's funny how that works; something really bad had to happen in order for me to find the light and snapped me out of my depression. It was a blessing in disguise.
After coming back from Thailand, I went through many different stages. At first, I was very focused. I was zenned. I would wake up each morning and meditate. Gym. Work. Cook dinner. Pray and go to sleep. Every day was a routine, but I was happy. I was at peace.
Then I went through a partying/ hyper active stage, where I overbooked myself with all kinds of activities, from camping, going to dance classes, going out to clubs almost every other night. I just couldn't stay still. That's when the anxiety visited.
As the anxiety gotten worst, I tried harder to to stay busy. Like running away. I was scared of falling back into depression again. So I ran, in circles. Finally after 8 months of being hyper active. I had a moment of pure weakness, and I let myself fall into the vicious cycle of binge eating. A void that I was trying to fill.
I remembered my first binge like it was the back of my hand. I remembered I started with a gronola bar, than another, and another. The next thing you know. I finished the whole box. Then I decided that since I already stuffed myself, I was going t keep eating to punish myself for over eating, so I went and got a burrito. and so on.
Then I formed a routine of getting two donuts every morning, and during lunch, after finishing the meal that I prepared from home. I would go and get a medium size bag of hot cheetos, a white kit-kat bar and frozen yogurt. That routine lasted for about two months.
It's been a while since I've has my binge episode. but I know that it's still a dangerous territory. And now I'm stuck with 30 pounds. 30 pounds of me-not-loving myself. 30 pounds of a void that I thought I could fill. But I know I made it it through the worst part.
Now I'm in the stage where I will pick up the pieces again. I will love and nourish my body again and get back on track to being healthy. This journey, this episode of my life where I relasp into depression and binge eating has taught me that no matter how much I fall and disappoint myself. I don't get to give up on myself. I must realize that I am not finish product. And I will continue to grow and learn through all the challenges and experience life has given me. I am my forever project. And this project will always be under construction.