It's been over a month now that my binge eating cycles started again. I thought I was done and over with that chapter of my life when I overcame in back in December, but I guess not.
This time it came much stronger. Back then, about this time last year, when I was going through my depression. I was living with my ex boyfriend at the time. Because I didn't want him to see my binge, I would do it when he's not around, so it didn't happen as often and I'd like. But now that I'm alone, and there's no one to stop me. My binge cycles are much worst.
To give you an example, I would start my day off with a normal breakfast, that includes oatmeal with strawberries, blue berries, raspberries, and almonds. Sounds healthy right? Well, that's just the beginning of the day day. My binge eating usually starts in the middle of the day, after I finish my lunch. I would have such a strong sweet cravings, that I would drive myself to go to get frozen yogurts. Then, I would fill up the yogurt cups with all the chocolates, cookies, and treats you an find on the toppings bar.
I would finish the yogurt in less than 5 minutes. Than I would feel so guilty, that I would cross the street to Starbucks, order myself a chocolate frape and a chocolate croissant. After shoving the croissant down in less than two minutes, I would stop at a doughnut shop on my way back to work and get a peanut covered chocolate doughtnut. Then I would return back to work, feeling like complete shit.
After work, I would typically stop at In and Out and order myself a grilled cheese burger, with animal fries and a vanilla/chocolate shake. Than again, I would finish that in a blink of an eye, and I would drive and go grab some Thai food or another frozen yogurt.
I wish I was kidding, or exaggerating this. But this has been a consistent vicious behavior for me for at least the lats two weeks.
I hate myself for it. I have gained at least more than 10 pounds within the last month. I am so disgusted with myself. And I'm embarrass to go out and show my face. And all I want to do is sleep.
I feel like I'm slave to food. It sounds pathetic, but I feel like I have no control over it. I eat even after i'm full. I eat even when I don't want to. I know I can stop it, but I just can't.
I need to over come this as soon as possible. I need to figure out why I'm doing this. And stop it. I refuse to let myself get sucked in for months like it did last year.
I am stronger than my obstacles.
I will get through this.
i will and I must.