I'm sitting here on my couch, a glass of wine next to me, my belly is so big I feel like it's going to explode. No, I am not pregnant. I am just full. Stuffed. You see, about a year ago, I fell into a dark hole. A depression. That took over my life for six months, and almost caused me to attempt suicide. I felt so lost and stuck. Just stuck in a state of devastation. I couldn't get out of it no matter how hard I tried. Finally after some spiritual retreat and some unfortunate event. I was able to snap out of it. Since then, I kept my schedule full and busy. Because I was so afraid that I was going to fall into that state of being again. Well, it's been a month now since I've been feeling this way. This feeling feels all too familiar. I started binge eating again. Just eating my feelings away, trying to fill this void that I'm not quite sure why it's there. I over eat to the point where i feel like throwing up.
For instance, just today. I had breakfast. Than when it comes to lunch time, I packed a nice big healthy salad. Of course, the salad did not fill me up. So after quickly scarfing that down. I drove to Starbucks and got my self an ice coffee and a chocolate croissant. I was still hungry. And my body was screaming for something sweet. After finishing that. I was still not satisfied. My brain kept scanning for alternative that might make me happy. So I decided that I wanted a donuts. I drove to a donut shop but to find out that it was closed. Of course, my brain wasn't going to except the rejection. So it directed me to go to a convenience store next door, and got myself a bag of chocolate chip cookies and two prepackage brownies. I finished both in one setting... just from those three snacks a lone, I'm pretty sure I ate more than 1,200 calories within 30 minutes.
AFter that I felt horrible, but I had to go in to work and finish the day. I was so angry at myself for doing that to my body. Well when 5PM rolls around. I decided to punish myself. My body was telling me that In N Out was waiting for me. So I drove through the drive through and ordered animal friends and a grilled cheese sandwich, ( I'm vegetarian). After rapidly stuffing that into my mouth. I was still not happy. I decided that I needed more food. So I went to my favorite lunch spot, a Thai restaurant, that's known for their delicious food and big potions. I ordered pineapple fried rice and a papaya salad. Both entree was so large, it seems like I ordered for four. I starting eating away at the food, until I was so full I could not take another bite.
Finally my body gave up, and let me stop. I now feel numb. Not satisfied, not sad. Just numb. I don't know why I keep doing this to my body. I feel like I'm a drug addict and a jailer in my own body.
I hope this past soon.
Sincerely Suree,