It all started when I was on my business trip in China last June. At first I wasn't sure what the cause was. The feeling of dread, of not wanting to get out of bed day after day. I just knew that I never felt like this before. I knew that something was wrong. But I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. I wasn't who I use to be. I'm typically a fun loving person who loves to talk and laugh. But I was very blah....just existing, not really caring or looking forward to anything .
Eating was what made me felt better, for awhile at least. And it was making me feel worst because the food that I ate was very unhealthy. I would stuff my face with all kinds of sweets and junk food, from Hot Cheetos, candy bars, ice cream and more. I remembered how Halloween landed on a Saturday last year. and there I was, a 21 year old living in Los Angeles. You would imagine that I was up to no good? Well, you're right.
I went to House of Pies, ate a whole pecan pie and went to bed. Yup. that was how bad my depression got. I should mention that I gained 30 pounds within 3 months. I would hardly post any photos because I was so embarrass and disgusted with myself.
On the weekends, all I would want to do is sleep, till I couldn't sleep anymore. Then I would wake up for a few hours and do the errands that I needed to do and go back to sleep.
Work was very routinize, I did not give a care in the world. I just went, and did my job. I never bothered to dress up or put on a ounce of makeup. Because I just simply did not care nor did I wanted to be there.
Depression sucks. It eats and you alive, mentally and physically. I was not the type of person to get stuck like this. But at the time, I felt like I was locked in a deep black hole, and nobody could help me.
My family and friends tried convincing me to move back home to Minnesota, to be closer to them, because they knew how bad I've gotten.
But I didn't want to leave this city. I came out here for a reason, and I knew that nothing was going to get in my way.
It got to the point where when I would walk across the bridge on my way home from work. It use to be my favorite spot because I would stop and look at my favorite building, the Ritz Carlton, it was my favorite building because of how tall and beautiful it stood among the others. But instead, that bridge became my nightmare.
Each time I walked past it, I would look down at the fast cars that past by. And I would think to myself, it would be so much easier if I would just jump.. to get over this....feeling...this state of being that I was in.
This "feeling" continued for about 6 months, until it took a very unfortunate event that forced me to go back to Thailand. And that's when my life was changed.
Its been 5 months now. And I think I can say that I have overcame my depression. During my trip to Thailand I was able to attend a 3 day spiritual retreat. At the retreat we did many hours of mediating, practicing mindfulness, and listening to guest speakers talk about their spiritual experiences.
I was able to do a lot of self reflecting at the retreat. I finally realized what the root of my depression was. I also realized that no one was going to save me but myself. Since then, I changed my mindset. I decided that I was going to be my own hero.
I spent about 1 month in Thailand. I was able to see all my relatives, and it made me realized how grateful I should be. There was so many people struggling and hurting. Especially seeing my relatives struggle financially. I've set a new goal for myself. I wasn't only going to save myself out of misery but I want to bring my family out of financial debt as well. From then on, I knew what the kind of person I had to become to achieve my new goal.
Since coming back to America, I picked up the pieces that was left of me, and I charged forward. I was able to lose 22lbs within two months, went Vegetarian, and started working out regularly and seeing my friends again.
I was greatful that my job kept me while I had to take an emergency leave. Now I take my job seriously, and went to work each day with a positive attitude and worked my butt off. And since then, I've gotten promoted.
This journey was not easy, its still continuing and it's still painful. The root of my problem still bothers me, but one thing I learned so far in this life is that you can't change what happens to you, but you can change how you react to it. I'd rather be doing something with my life while I'm hurting then sleeping and eating my life away like I did before.
Because after all, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, right?
Sincerely,
Suree