During my 2 month trip in Thailand. I learned many things about myself. During my meditation retreat. I had a lot of alone time with my thoughts. And one of the most recurring thought that kept popping into my head was why I can't seem to stay in a committed relationship.
You see, I tend to fall in love pretty quickly. As soon as I meet someone that I feel a connection with and sparks fly. Boom. I think he's the one. However, scientifically, it's just my brain releasing dopamine into my head when I'm around the certain person I'm attracted to; causing me to believe I am in love with them. But really, it's just an illusion.
So anyways, what happens is because it's such a great "feeling" , also having BPD, everything is more intensify. So here I am, thinking, "Wow, I'm in love! Everything is great blah, blah blah." And I'm madly in love with this person for a while until I finally realize and can admit to myself that this person isn't right for me.
Then I feel trap.
And instead of being a logical and ending the relationship in the right way. I do something reckless and stupid resulting in having the relationship end in a bad way.
It's wrong. It's not fair to the other person. And I shouldn't have to keep putting myself and anyone through this.
So I have to be truly honest with myself.
Why do I keep doing this?
I need validation from others to feel loved. To feel valuable and worthy.To feel enough. It's my crutch.
However, it's not the right way to love and be loved.
I shouldn't have to rely on anyone to tell me that they love me. My love for MYSELF should be enough. The love has to come from within. And it doesn't require another man.
So I'm ending this toxic cycle. That means having to rewire my thoughts and my limiting beliefs so I don't keep ending up in the same pattern and hurting people. And the first step is being aware of it. If I am not happy with myself then how can I fully be happy with someone else?
So I'm committing to loving myself and working towards accepting and nurturing my soul, body and spirit. So that I can be the best version of myself for ME, and also for those around me.
Artwork by: Suree Sompamitwong