Yesterday I felt off. I didn't have a reason why I was sad. I just knew that I was. I couldn't quite explain the feeling. Then I realized. That it was around the same time this year that my manic bipolar episode triggered, and I was put into a mental institution. I still remembered it like it was yesterday. Being held down and handcuffed, screaming at the cops on top of my lungs, telling them to let me go. Being told to “shut up” by a homeless lady because I couldn’t stop crying in our room. I remembered waking up from the first night of being in there. They told me to take this pill. At first, I refused, but finally I finally gave in. I felt like a zombie. I didn’t like the way I was feeling at all. When I first diagnosed with manic bipolar depression, I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to accept that I have a mental illness. I continued, living life stuffing myself with food and denial. That’s why once again I fell into another binge-eating depression. Of course, spring/summer rolls around and I start shedding my weight off again.
Today I spent time reading all my blog post since I’ve moved to California And I definitely saw patterns through my posts. I go back and fourth between binge eating depression and manic with high anxiety. It appears to start happening when I lived on my own in LA. It seems like in the winter is when I fall into depression and spring/summer is when I come off. I would gain about 30-50 pounds during my depressing state and then by summer I would lose those off.
However,I can’t keep doing this to my body. Now that I know the triggers and have a better understanding of the illness. I am going to try extremely hard to find balance. No, I do not want to take medications. No, I don’t want to resort to drinking or going back to binge eating. I want to do my best of self-care. Now that I know that when I’m high I get really high. I need to be aware of how extremely energetic and overly happy I can be. And remind myself to calm down and work and reminding myself to take deep breaths. And when the lows hit. I understand that it’s part of the chemical imbalance. And I need to learn to channel my sadness through forms of creativity like art, writing and music. I want to channel my pain through playing my guitar. I’ve been playing guitar on and off for 10 years and I really want to play and starting writing songs again. Also, because I suffer from insomnia (my mind is always racing because I have so much energy due to maniac episode). I need to channel my energy towards exercises, so it doesn’t get pent up inside my body and makes my mind race all night.
Also, instead of always journaling about my problems I am going to call up a friend and talk about it more. I usually write down all my problems in a journal because I hate bothering people with my problems. But it really helps to voice it out and get it over it instead of having it bottled inside. And lastly, I am going to really focus on including meditation as part of my daily habits. Meditation really helps me clear my mind and ease my anxiety. I know that there is no one pill solution to this illness. But there are paths I can take to ease the intensity. I am not going to let this take over my life. I am in charge. I am not going to keep falling into this vicious fast weight gain and lost gain cycle because it is not good for my body to keep gaining and losing all that weight. I am not looking at this illness like it’s my enemy. But more of a friend that needs to be cared for and in need of compassion. It’s apart of who I am. I can’t run away from it. I can only try to live a healthy psotive lifestlye as best that I can.
Looking back, I can definitely connect the dots, and say that I now know why things happened the way it did. It took me going to California and experience all the events, traumas, excitements, and falling hard on my face and having to come back home to Worthington to figure out the next step. I found my passion again. I am determined to learn as much as I could about psychology and mental disorders and I want to help myself and others on how to live with them. This is not over. My life has begun again and it has a whole new meaning.